Shame : My Shame OR your Shame.

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 Duro Owodunni A mentor and Coach write on Shame and the Single Mum.


Shame as a set beliefs crops up from events or things that have happened in the past or are presently happening.

Single mums  generally tend to believe that they are hopeless in the face of their single parenting journey, This is closely connected to the rampant and persuasive stand of social status and culture that often puts a stigma or a name to their situation unnecessarily.

The church system is guilty of this angle as well with single parents often classified as "sinners" who should be seen and not heard. Persons who have failed to follow the spiritual steps and precedents that was laid down by others before them.

One Christian lady once told me that she felt blessed to have come from a home where everything turned out well for her. Her child hood years, her youth, her marriage etc all fell into one happy circle.

I remember the shame that I felt during that discussion ,it was one of inadequacy and feeling un-loved by this God who dealt with one a good blow and another a devastating one.

Strange enough, I quickly forgave God on the spot but I turned over to this lovely lady and gave her a piece of my mind that I am sure I did not have reserved any where in my soul be fore hand.

You see I  could not see God, but i could hear vividly what the lady was saying to me at the other end of the phone. She was saying to me, you did something wrong, you are not good enough, you do not deserve to be blessed. I am different from you.

Shame may be in two separate forms :

1. It may be used as a control tool.( Often used by others as a way to get one to shape up quickly).

2. It may be used by "you" as a survival response in the face of rejection. Perhaps a defensive strategy that "you" tend to apply in the presence of inter personal conflicts.


The normal defensive response to any contrary situation will always be 

1. Invisibility (Playing dead)

2.Fight or Flight response.

3.Submission & Freeze response.


1 and 3 above is often associated with Shame


When you shut-up, re-treat, freeze, submit, play dead etc you are practically putting up a Damage limitation strategy.

You are basically saying ,I don't want to be further damaged by this person, I want to limit what is coming to me.

Regardless of where Shame is coming from? Dear Single Mum, you need to repair shame.


How do you repair Shame?

Find out if the shame is coming out of "Control" (Some one using it as a control tool on you ) OR ("Shame-state" i.e a place that you put your self -a damage limitation strategy that offers comfort for you).


Duro Owodunni Dear Single Mum

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To be continued...

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